How to Hold Someone's Pain and Sorrow

You’ve just learned a friend’s sister has died. Or that they have a challenging illness. Perhaps they’re going through a devastating divorce.

These are people we know and care about, and our hearts go out to them. We feel badly and want to take away their pain. That’s human nature in the highest sense of the word “human.” It means we’re sympathetic and want to help. When someone has a problem, we want to suggest solutions.

But many well-meaning expressions may not be helpful in practice. Why? Because people don’t need their sorrow taken away – they need help holding it.

This may seem counterintuitive so I’ll say it again:

People don’t need their sorrow taken away; they need help holding it.

When I was in graduate school to become a social worker, I learned the most important and valuable benefit I can provide is a therapeutic holding environment. Beyond any particular model or type of therapy, it is the relationship and safety of the holding environment that brings about growth, healing, and self-understanding.

What if we all could provide a caring holding environment for one another? All of us regular people in regular relationships could support one another through whatever life dishes out. What might that include?

Acknowledging and Validating without Judging or Fixing

• Ask the person to tell you their story, and really listen. Ask clarifying questions as needed and respect the limits of their desire to talk at any particular time. Different aspects may come out over time.  

• Repeat back key words and phrases that are central to their experience. “You never saw it coming.” “So many changes.” Include thoughts and feelings they verbalize. It might feel weird to repeat their very words, but it feels validating to the person.  

• State the obvious. “This is so hard.” “What a total shock!” “You’re exhausted.” It may feel strange to talk this way, but it demonstrates your ability to go there with them.  

• If someone is grieving, use their loved one’s name. Ask to see pictures. Share any memories, photos, videos, or recordings of their person you might have.  

• Do not offer any judgments or misguided solutions that start with “at least…” (“…they’re with God now,”  “…you’ll lose weight now,” “…the house is quiet now.”)  

• Do not offer a timetable for feeling better. (“Now that it’s been a year, you must be so much better.”) Convey hope and simultaneous willingness to stay with someone through their journey.  

• Sometimes it’s about being rather than doing. Be comfortable with silence. Be comfortable with tears. Don’t rush to fix. Silently holding another person’s pain is meaningful and powerful.  

• Sometimes it is about doing. Show up. Stay in touch. Take care of everyday tasks like bringing over dinner, offer to go for a walk with them, or walk their dog for them. Offer to drive them someplace they have to go. Think of it as removing obstacles from their life.  

Remember that even after someone appears okay, they still have moments of difficulty. We don’t get over a loved one’s death, a serious chronic illness, or a traumatic divorce. These are all examples of unwelcome change that we learn to live with and weave into the tapestry of our lives.
 
I invite you to help hold the pain and sorrow for anyone you know who may be going through a challenging time. And I thank you.

Wishing you health and peace,
​Ruth



Read The 4 Facets of Grief
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