Anniversary of Loss: 10 Tips for Making it Meaningful

There are certain dates we'll just never forget. Dates when everything changed; that mark a new reality; that seem to require some type of observance. 9/11 is one such date, forever seared in our American consciousness as the moment this generation lost its national innocence along with so many precious souls.

Of course there are personal anniversaries too. Some (like birthdays and wedding anniversaries) are celebrated, while others are more difficult to get through. I'm thinking of anniversaries of a loved one's death, a scary diagnosis, a difficult surgery with a long recuperation or uncertain outcome, or a heartbreaking separation. Anytime we sustain a life-altering loss, we tend to note the passage of time since that day and calendar our journey in its wake.

As I approach the third anniversary of David's death on July 24th, I think about what happened that day and how much I miss him, and also about what I've learned since then. I offer the following tips in the hope that they might ease your burden and also inspire you to think of your own ideas.

1. Plan ahead for anniversary dates. Think about how you might want to observe the day and note the possibilities. Keep in mind you may be emotional and remember to be gentle with yourself.

2. Consider how you want to spend the day. If work is an option, figure out if taking the day off or working feels better for you.

3. Spend some quiet time reflecting on this day and your feelings. You might journal or meditate, noticing whatever comes up for you. Acknowledge your own spiritual traditions and preferences.

4. Create a ritual that honors your loss - visit the cemetery or memorial place, participate in a healing activity (walk, get a massage), light a candle. (This may evolve over time or you may find something you'd like to repeat each year.)

5. Connect with others (either in person or virtually) who can reminisce and acknowledge your transition with you.

6. Honor your memories. If you've lost a loved one, you might celebrate their life with a special meal or gathering.

7. Gather photos, assemble a special album or scrapbook, or make a picture, video, or collage. Anything creative can feel healing on this day.

8. Volunteer at, or make a donation to, an organization that is meaningful to you.

9. Take a break.  If you feel overwhelmed and need a distraction, think ahead about what might be appropriate (see a movie; lunch or dinner with friends)

10. Get plenty of rest. Navigating anniversary dates uses a lot of energy, so take a nap if you need one.