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We always talk about the importance of self care, especially when you're going through a difficult time. It doesn't really matter the exact nature of the problem; unwelcome change means a new (unfortunate) situation has arrived and the old (preferred) situation is gone. This is hard to accept and adapt to, and much of my work with clients centers around these two facets.
Finding or creating meaning in the new situation is also helpful, as you try to bring some kind of order to what may seem like pure chaos. Sometimes this means exploring your religious or spiritual beliefs relating to what happened, and other times this facet helps you identify new strengths that weren't there before or ways in which you've grown in the process. The 4th facet, Replenishing, is perhaps the most useful throughout your lifetime. And it's especially important in the early days of experiencing loss, while working on accepting and adapting, and as you identify the meaning of your journey in a larger context. This is the time to bring self care front and center. I teach how to create your own personal replenisher list during sessions with clients and at many speaking engagements. You can access a checklist that walks you through the Personal Replenisher process here. I also found a lovely graphic that organizes various types of self care into categories, and gives several examples of each. I love this because it helps us all visualize how we might replenish ourselves without reading a lot of text. You can find the Types of Self Care graphic here (from Healing the Sacred). I hope these two ideas help you jump-start your healing in some simple and enjoyable ways. Let me know how you're doing and also send along any other self-care reminders you've found useful! Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the list!
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I had never heard of this word before – catastrovision – until I viewed a recent video by death and grieving expert David Kessler. It refers to the tendency to jump quickly to worst case scenarios even when there’s no evidence to support such narratives. And I admit I have catastrovision. Yikes!
It makes sense to me when I think about the traumatic losses I’ve experienced throughout my life; I’m living proof that these situations really do happen. This is one of the reasons why I’ve dedicated my professional life to helping others navigate loss and grief. On the other hand, I’ve apparently also concluded that they can happen at any time! Somehow my brain has converted traumatic loss from being possible to being likely. Or as David frames it, I’m easily able to leave the present and go right back to the past. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this. David mentions he is also a catastrophizer and that it’s common among health professionals who work in this field. I plan to utilize his tips and I’m passing them along to you with the hope you’ll find them useful as well. Please take a few minutes to watch the video and let me know what you think. Do you have more tips to add? Have you noticed other aftereffects of loss? This is an important conversation as we all adapt to the unwelcome changes life inevitably brings. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the list! How are you navigating this spring holiday weekend? With Passover and Easter converging this year, many Jews and Christians are observing meaningful family rituals. Both holidays embrace themes of hope and history, and we greet each other with happy and sweet wishes.
The natural world also seems bursting with renewal, as lawns turns green and tulips start to push through the warming soil. Trees and bushes are ripe with buds about to erupt into full leaf, and more daylight hours encourage extra activities. While these aspects of spring are certainly encouraging, they may also be challenging to those who are grieving. And as the season continues, we add Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to the list of holiday observances. Do you have mixed feelings about the season’s special days? Or are you thinking of someone else who might? Here are a few links to articles that may be helpful. The last one is my annual Mother’s Day article.
Wishing you peace and healing this spring, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Receiving this from a friend? Click here to join the list! When you are grieving, of course you miss the person (or people) who died. You miss their ongoing presence in your life and all the ways they were part of your past memories. You also imagine the ways in which they would have been in your future, and you miss that too. Loneliness is that sense of separation from something or someone important. It’s the sad realization of being without; feeling abandoned, isolated, and alone. This is perhaps most obvious when a spouse or partner dies, but it’s also part of any other loss as well. The loneliness you feel as a bereaved husband, wife, or partner relates to their role and your history together as a couple. You miss their company, which reminds you of the years of companionship and togetherness you shared. You miss the opportunity to grow old together and face all the joys and sorrows that accompany every lifetime. You miss the way you divided the tasks of life and may wonder how you can now take on what they used to do. The loneliness you feel as a bereaved parent also relates to past, present, and future. Remembering their earliest times brings the heartbreak of loss and the pangs of separation from your child. And of course, you long to see your child grow up and become all they would have been – and all you have imagined. You miss who they were, who they would have become, and the profound relationship you shared. There is also loneliness when you are a bereaved sibling. If you have lost your only brother or sister, you may feel isolated in the sense of not having a partner to share holidays or to navigate your parents’ old age. If your sibling group is now missing someone, that sense of being incomplete can last a long time. Both their role in the family and their relationship with you is now gone and you feel that emptiness. And when we lose a parent or parents, we feel loneliness here too. Of course, it’s different if this happens when you’re young or at a much older age, but the sense of separation from someone vital is real. And if the relationship was a very close one, you may feel like you’ve lost the one person who cared for you the most your whole life. There is one more type of loneliness that is important to acknowledge – missing the person we used to be before our loved ones died. Questioning “Who am I now?” is natural but the process of answering is difficult. Our identity does change when we lose someone we love. Whether the death was abrupt or anticipated, this identity shift doesn’t necessarily become apparent at the same time for everyone. And it doesn’t happen on any particular timetable. It’s a process that evolves individually. You may wonder if you’re still a parent if you’ve lost your only child (yes, you are); you might rail against being classified as a widow, widower, or orphan. Were you more positive, hopeful, and excited pre-grief? Just who is this person who must now experience life so differently and what happened to the “me” I thought I knew? These are all questions we commonly ponder. They are part of the “Adapting” facet of the grief process, as we try to get used to our new reality. I have wondered if I can ever get the old me back again, and realize I don’t think it works that way. But I can incorporate select aspects of the old me into this present reality if I choose to work on that. Even though sadness still sometimes covers me like a heavy blanket, I’m learning to reconnect with peace, gratitude, and even joy by practicing strategies that help me grow into the person I want to be. I’m learning to identify and nurture these areas of growth while understanding the sad parts are valid too. If you would like to work on nurturing new areas of growth after experiencing loss, please don’t hesitate to contact me. You don’t have to go through this alone. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Receiving this from a friend? Click here to join the list! Is it possible to suffer a shattering loss or struggle with a major life crisis and ultimately bounce back with resilience?
And further, is it conceivable that such suffering and anguish can eventually lead to positive change? The answer to both questions is a resounding yes. Please join me Tuesday evening, February 26 (details below) as I teach building resilience and finding growth in the face of grief. Based on my book, The Four Facets of Grief, we will explore how to find acceptance and even joy following a crisis, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, financial or relationship struggles, or any of the myriad ways we are challenged throughout life. We humans typically feel altered by our life challenges -- we suffer tragedy, endure upheaval, and know that life will never be the same. And yet, trauma of any kind doesn't necessarily lead to a continuing damaged and dysfunctional existence. I'm committed to the value of resilience learning. I know what it's like to have to accept the unacceptable, and so my calling is to help you through and beyond your distress. You will learn strategies to help you fully inhabit your reality and to move forward. I hope you never experience a major loss or crisis, but most of us eventually do. Come join this fascinating discussion to help yourself or someone you know. What? Empowering Resilience Class When? Tuesday, February 26 at 7 p.m. Where? Kenilworth Union Church, Culbertson Room 211 Kenilworth Ave. Kenilworth, IL 60043 Questions? Email: info@kuc.org (location; parking) All are welcome to attend this interactive class and you don’t need to read the book to participate! Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Receiving this from a friend? Click here to join the list!  I used to think the sorrow I felt from a loved one’s death was something to recover from. Especially in early grief, it felt pervasive and all-consuming; no way to live the rest of my life. It was sad and heavy and painful; it had to end.
Eventually I realized it’s impossible not to feel sorrow in loss, no matter how many years have passed. Even though the frequency and intensity changes, I continue to miss my family members and their absence from my life will always spark sorrow. And so the question looms: what happened to joy? Yin/Yang Theory Like many pairs in the natural world, sorrow and joy have both complementary and opposing characteristics and are not mutually exclusive. Think of day and night, summer and winter, inhales and exhales. Each rolls into the other, and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish where one begins and the other ends. Sorrow and joy are likewise dual aspects of human emotion; two sides of the same coin, the yin and yang of love. These two aspects interact with one another, thereby creating a dynamic balance. Despite our sense that each replaces the other, joy and sorrow can’t exist independently. They are defined and measured in comparison to each other. Sorrow and joy also change, grow, and retreat over time; when one surges, the other withdraws. When one aspect is at an extreme, it will eventually transform into some level of its opposing aspect. Night Becomes Day; Day Turns to Night (from “Roll Into Dark” by Noam Katz) It can be challenging to think of these seemingly contrary forces as complementary, interconnected, and interdependent. But they actually do give rise to one another and relate to each other, thereby balancing the whole of our experience. Neither sorrow nor joy is absolute or unchanging. So when you are immersed in sorrow, try to remember that it isn’t static and joy hasn’t left completely. Like daytime during the night, it’s on the other side awaiting its cycle. It may not emerge as quickly or as brilliantly as you’d like, but there will be a resumption of joy relating to something in your life. It’s up to each of us to hold the image of that balance in our hearts. Wishing you health and peace at the holidays and everyday, Ruth PS - I was honored last week to be included as a resource for a Chicago Tribune article on holiday grief. You can read the article here. PPS - Read another great article on Guilt and Grief During the Holidays here. Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the list and get this in your inbox!  Photo by Natalia Figueredo on Unsplash For many of us, holiday time presents special challenges.With images of joy, fun, and happy families everywhere, it can feel incompatible with any kind of traumatic loss. Perhaps a family member has died, a relationship has ended, or you find yourself in other unimaginably challenging circumstances. Instead of being ready to celebrate, we can feel more like hiding.
You Are Not Alone Despite the commercials on TV, not everyone is happily enjoying the holiday season every minute. There are mixed feelings for most people, relating to losses, memories, worries, and realizations. It’s Not Only Happiness or Sadness These mixed feelings mean we can hold seemingly opposing feelings at the same time. There’s a part of me that is so sad my son can’t be at our holiday table, and there’s another part of me that delights in the joy of my grandchildren. We can grieve our losses at the same time we’re grateful for our blessings. They coexist without cancelling one another out. It’s a Day; not the Day Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on celebrating the holidays. You may not be ready to make a decision about how to spend a particular day and pressure to do so may increase your stress. Give yourself a break – it’s okay to modify, postpone, or otherwise revise former traditions. Try something different and then see how it feels; you’ll adjust future plans from there. This is how we adapt to new realities. Give Back When life hurts, it’s hard to get out of our own pain. Sometimes the best way to cope at holiday time is to do something meaningful for others. Ideas include serving food at a shelter; visiting nursing home residents; bringing treats to those who have to work (police, firefighters, hospital staff, etc.); donating toys to a children’s hospital. You can probably think of many other possibilities. The important thing is to make a positive difference to someone else, which helps you feel warm inside. Replenish Navigating the holiday season requires a certain amount of energy, even in the best of circumstances. Add on layers of stress, grief, or any kind of extra coping needs, and you may end up feeling depleted. Take time to identify what is personally replenishing for you and schedule it into the days ahead. Examples include quiet time with a best friend, taking a bubble bath, working out, getting a massage or facial, hot tea and a good book, or watching an old favorite movie by a cozy fire. The possibilities are endless; you get to choose. How are you marking this year's holiday season? Please reply below in the comments. However you spend the coming weeks, try to give yourself messages of compassion and acceptance. I’m here if you need additional non-judgmental support. Wishing you health and peace, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Receiving this from a friend? Click here to join the list! Unsubscribe “Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”
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