​Is it possible to suffer a shattering loss or struggle with a major life crisis and ultimately bounce back with resilience? 

And further, is it conceivable that such suffering and anguish can eventually lead to positive change? The answer to both questions is a resounding yes.

Please join me Tuesday evening, February 26 (details below) as I teach building resilience and finding growth in the face of grief. Based on my book, The Four Facets of Grief, we will explore how to find acceptance and even joy following a crisis, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, financial or relationship struggles, or any of the myriad ways we are challenged throughout life.

We humans typically feel altered by our life challenges -- we suffer tragedy, endure upheaval, and know that life will never be the same. And yet, trauma of any kind doesn't necessarily lead to a continuing damaged and dysfunctional existence.

I'm committed to the value of resilience learning. I know what it's like to have to accept the unacceptable, and so my calling is to help you through and beyond your distress. You will learn strategies to help you fully inhabit your reality and to move forward.

I hope you never experience a major loss or crisis, but most of us eventually do. Come join this fascinating discussion to help yourself or someone you know.

What? Empowering Resilience Class
When? Tuesday, February 26 at 7 p.m. 
Where? Kenilworth Union Church, Culbertson Room
211 Kenilworth Ave.
Kenilworth, IL 60043
Questions? Email: info@kuc.org (location; parking)

All are welcome to attend this interactive class and you don’t need to read the book to participate!
Wishing you peace and healing,
Ruth

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I used to think the sorrow I felt from a loved one’s death was something to recover from. Especially in early grief, it felt pervasive and all-consuming; no way to live the rest of my life. It was sad and heavy and painful; it had to end.

Eventually I realized it’s impossible not to feel sorrow in loss, no matter how many years have passed. Even though the frequency and intensity changes, I continue to miss my family members and their absence from my life will always spark sorrow.

And so the question looms: what happened to joy?

Yin/Yang Theory
​
Like many pairs in the natural world, sorrow and joy have both complementary and opposing characteristics and are not mutually exclusive. Think of day and night, summer and winter, inhales and exhales. Each rolls into the other, and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish where one begins and the other ends.

Sorrow and joy are likewise dual aspects of human emotion; two sides of the same coin, the yin and yang of love. These two aspects interact with one another, thereby creating a dynamic balance. Despite our sense that each replaces the other, joy and sorrow can’t exist independently. They are defined and measured in comparison to each other.

Sorrow and joy also change, grow, and retreat over time; when one surges, the other withdraws. When one aspect is at an extreme, it will eventually transform into some level of its opposing aspect.
​
Night Becomes Day; Day Turns to Night (from “Roll Into Dark” by Noam Katz)

It can be challenging to think of these seemingly contrary forces as complementary, interconnected, and interdependent. But they actually do give rise to one another and relate to each other, thereby balancing the whole of our experience. Neither sorrow nor joy is absolute or unchanging.

So when you are immersed in sorrow, try to remember that it isn’t static and joy hasn’t left completely. Like daytime during the night, it’s on the other side awaiting its cycle. It may not emerge as quickly or as brilliantly as you’d like, but there will be a resumption of joy relating to something in your life.

It’s up to each of us to hold the image of that balance in our hearts.

Wishing you health and peace at the holidays and everyday,
Ruth

PS - I was honored last week to be included as a resource for a Chicago Tribune article on holiday grief. You can read the article here.

​PPS - Read another great article on Guilt and Grief During the Holidays here.
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​For many of us, holiday time presents special challenges.With images of joy, fun, and happy families everywhere, it can feel incompatible with any kind of traumatic loss. Perhaps a family member has died, a relationship has ended, or you find yourself in other unimaginably challenging circumstances. Instead of being ready to celebrate, we can feel more like hiding.

​You Are Not Alone

Despite the commercials on TV, not everyone is happily enjoying the holiday season every minute. There are mixed feelings for most people, relating to losses, memories, worries, and realizations.

It’s Not Only Happiness or Sadness

These mixed feelings mean we can hold seemingly opposing feelings at the same time. There’s a part of me that is so sad my son can’t be at our holiday table, and there’s another part of me that delights in the joy of my grandchildren. We can grieve our losses at the same time we’re grateful for our blessings. They coexist without cancelling one another out.

It’s a Day; not the Day

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on celebrating the holidays. You may not be ready to make a decision about how to spend a particular day and pressure to do so may increase your stress. Give yourself a break – it’s okay to modify, postpone, or otherwise revise former traditions. Try something different and then see how it feels; you’ll adjust future plans from there. This is how we adapt to new realities.

Give Back

When life hurts, it’s hard to get out of our own pain. Sometimes the best way to cope at holiday time is to do something meaningful for others. Ideas include serving food at a shelter; visiting nursing home residents; bringing treats to those who have to work (police, firefighters, hospital staff, etc.); donating toys to a children’s hospital. You can probably think of many other possibilities. The important thing is to make a positive difference to someone else, which helps you feel warm inside.

Replenish

Navigating the holiday season requires a certain amount of energy, even in the best of circumstances. Add on layers of stress, grief, or any kind of extra coping needs, and you may end up feeling depleted. Take time to identify what is personally replenishing for you and schedule it into the days ahead. Examples include quiet time with a best friend, taking a bubble bath, working out, getting a massage or facial, hot tea and a good book, or watching an old favorite movie by a cozy fire. The possibilities are endless; you get to choose.

How are you marking this year's holiday season? Please reply below in the comments. However you spend the coming weeks, try to give yourself messages of compassion and acceptance. I’m here if you need additional non-judgmental support.


Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth



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You’ve just learned a friend’s sister has died. Or that they have a challenging illness. Perhaps they’re going through a devastating divorce.

These are people we know and care about, and our hearts go out to them. We feel badly and want to take away their pain. That’s human nature in the highest sense of the word “human.” It means we’re sympathetic and want to help. When someone has a problem, we want to suggest solutions.

But many well-meaning expressions may not be helpful in practice. Why? Because people don’t need their sorrow taken away – they need help holding it.

This may seem counterintuitive so I’ll say it again:

People don’t need their sorrow taken away; they need help holding it.

When I was in graduate school to become a social worker, I learned the most important and valuable benefit I can provide is a therapeutic holding environment. Beyond any particular model or type of therapy, it is the relationship and safety of the holding environment that brings about growth, healing, and self-understanding.

What if we all could provide a caring holding environment for one another? All of us regular people in regular relationships could support one another through whatever life dishes out. What might that include?

Acknowledging and Validating without Judging or Fixing

• Ask the person to tell you their story, and really listen. Ask clarifying questions as needed and respect the limits of their desire to talk at any particular time. Different aspects may come out over time.  

• Repeat back key words and phrases that are central to their experience. “You never saw it coming.” “So many changes.” Include thoughts and feelings they verbalize. It might feel weird to repeat their very words, but it feels validating to the person.  

• State the obvious. “This is so hard.” “What a total shock!” “You’re exhausted.” It may feel strange to talk this way, but it demonstrates your ability to go there with them.  

• If someone is grieving, use their loved one’s name. Ask to see pictures. Share any memories, photos, videos, or recordings of their person you might have.  

• Do not offer any judgments or misguided solutions that start with “at least…” (“…they’re with God now,”  “…you’ll lose weight now,” “…the house is quiet now.”)  

• Do not offer a timetable for feeling better. (“Now that it’s been a year, you must be so much better.”) Convey hope and simultaneous willingness to stay with someone through their journey.  

• Sometimes it’s about being rather than doing. Be comfortable with silence. Be comfortable with tears. Don’t rush to fix. Silently holding another person’s pain is meaningful and powerful.  

• Sometimes it is about doing. Show up. Stay in touch. Take care of everyday tasks like bringing over dinner, offer to go for a walk with them, or walk their dog for them. Offer to drive them someplace they have to go. Think of it as removing obstacles from their life.  

Remember that even after someone appears okay, they still have moments of difficulty. We don’t get over a loved one’s death, a serious chronic illness, or a traumatic divorce. These are all examples of unwelcome change that we learn to live with and weave into the tapestry of our lives.
 
I invite you to help hold the pain and sorrow for anyone you know who may be going through a challenging time. And I thank you.

Wishing you health and peace,
​Ruth



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Do you have trouble getting a good night’s sleep? Do you toss and turn, reviewing your thoughts, feelings, and memories? Do you wake up in the middle of the night and then lie there, unable to fall back to sleep?

Many people have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep while grieving. Sometimes it’s just an occasional wakeful night, while other times bring about a longer stretch of sleeplessness.

Even years later, certain days may trigger another time of insomnia. My son died on a Sunday evening, and sleep was elusive for a long time on most Sunday nights. Now 7 years later, when I occasionally have a sleepless or restless night, it’s usually on a Sunday.

One of my 4 Facets of Grief is replenishing, which means taking the best possible care of ourselves we can. This is the time to pay extra attention to our wellness needs, and stabilizing the sleep cycle (both getting enough sleep and getting regular sleep) is important.

What is sleep hygiene?

How we manage our sleep cycle is referred to as sleep hygiene and it affects many aspects of our health. There are various ways of improving sleep hygiene, and bereavement is a particularly vital time to pay attention to it.

Health Magazine lists 11 benefits of good sleep hygiene. They include:

• Improving memory
• Enhancing quality of life
• Reducing inflammation
• Stimulating creativity
• Increasing athletic skill
• For students – improving grades
• Sharpening your attention
• Maintaining a healthy weight
• Reducing stress
• Avoiding car accidents
• Decreasing depression and anxiety

Now that you know how healthy sleep can help you, what can you do to get rid of those sleepless nights? Here’s an article with ideas to try: https://www.tuck.com/sleep-and-grief/
​
Read the suggestions and let me know in the comments what you’ve tried and how it’s worked. 

Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth



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I have a love-hate relationship with summer. The warm weather makes it easy to be outside and I feel much more energetic in the expanded daylight hours. But this season also marks the death anniversaries of three people I love, so it’s difficult to face.

Tomorrow, July 24th is the anniversary of my son David’s sudden death in an accident. Even after 7 years, there is something surreal in writing this. I miss him profoundly, and wonder what he might have been thinking and doing if he had lived past age 26. I learned on Facebook that July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, but for me it’s every month.

July 27th is the anniversary of my sister Debbie’s death. She died 18 years ago after a long and valiant battle with cancer. I miss her profoundly, even though I wouldn’t want her to suffer one moment longer than she did. I still long for the presence of the person I grew up with.

August 8th is the anniversary of my father’s death; my Daddy. He died of cancer long ago – when I was only 22. His illness and death shocked me out of adolescence and into the world of grief. And again, I miss him profoundly, even after the passage of decades.

I continue to weave these three lives and deaths into the tapestry of my own story; this is what I call inhabiting reality. The missing and longing never go away, but the tapestry becomes richer and more vibrant as the grief threads become inextricably intertwined with hope, love, and joy.

I have learned so much from each of my loved ones and I continue to be inspired by them even after years of separation. The one trait that all three had in common was fun-loving exuberance – a lust for life.

David taught me the value of fresh starts. No matter how challenging a particular day might have been, he always woke up the next day eager to begin anew. His ready smile and hearty laugh made you want to join the party! He embodied Hope.

Debbie taught me how sweetness and strength can come together in one person. She accepted everyone – including herself – exactly as they were, and made you feel celebrated. I never heard her complain about anything, and she was always ready to plan the next get-together. She embodied Love.

Daddy taught me to do everything with gusto. He had a passionate work ethic, cared deeply about others, and loved to have fun with friends and family. I remember him inviting almost the entire floor of my college dorm out for Parents’ Weekend dinner. He embodied Joy.

Each year at this time I ask myself how I might observe these painful anniversaries. The best way I know to honor David, Debbie, and Daddy, and their ongoing inspiration, is to exemplify the hope, love, and joy with which they lived.

According to my tradition, I will light Yahrzeit candles and attend services, reciting the Kaddish prayer I know so well.
And I will dedicate myself to living the rest of my life with hopeful, loving, and joyful exuberance. Thank you, David, Debbie, and Daddy for being such incredible role models!

Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth

PS - Did you know you can now buy The 4 Facets of Grief for others? Just click on the book link below and find "Buy for others" on the right hand side. Follow the instructions. And remember, you can read it on any device - just download the free Kindle app on the same Amazon page.




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Some people celebrate Father’s Day: parents who can be with their children either in person, by phone, or electronically; children (even adult kids) who can call or visit their fathers; or even people about to become fathers. These are the happy times that greeting cards were made for.

But what do people do when Father’s Day evokes sadness and loss due to death, estrangement, or any other reason? It may be hard for them to get through the day or they might feel societal pressure to “get over it” (which isn’t possible) and join the fun.
For me, it’s a mixed bag.

I’ll be honest; I still miss my Dad even though he’s been gone for decades. We had a very special relationship. He died of cancer the same month I turned 22, yet he has continued to inspire me all my life. To the left is a photo of me in his arms.

I also feel sad that my son, who died 7 years ago at age 26, never got to be a father. I know that was part of his future plans, so I think about what kind of father he would have been and the joy I’d have had experiencing that.

At the same time, it’s so delightful watching my sons-in-law parent! They are all extraordinary men, each in his own way. They are loving fathers to my amazing grandchildren, and I feel so grateful to have them in our lives.

And of course I love how important fatherhood and grandfatherhood is to my husband! It literally rocks his world and makes me proud and emotional at the same time.

I’ve come to recognize that there are many ways to experience a day like this and it doesn’t have to be all one way or another. A part of me is sad about certain things while another part is grateful for others.

I have learned to use the word “observe” instead of “celebrate” because it takes into account so many varied feelings and circumstances. I try to observe days like Father’s Day in ways that are meaningful to me and my loved ones, without getting caught up in the “shoulds.”

Are you observing Father’s Day this year? If so, what’s it like for you? Feel free to reply to me below.

If you'd like to read more, here are three blogs that offer thoughts on holiday grief:
 www.modernloss.com; www.aftertalk.com; and www.whatsyourgrief.com. I hope you find these links useful.

Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth
​

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Mother’s Day is a mixed bag of emotions for many of us. For those who have precious children and grandchildren (like me), it’s a day to cherish the ones we love most in the world. But for those who have lost children or mothers or sisters (also like me), the holiday can also bring an intense focus on who’s missing, as the nation celebrates the mother/child bond.

Every bereaved mother or child I’ve ever talked with or read about has some type of belief in a spiritual afterlife. It doesn’t matter one’s religion or background; we seem to cling to the notion that our relationships with our beloved family members must somehow continue. It seems incomprehensible that a connection so profound could really be broken or that love’s energy would simply cease to exist.

And so, like a host of grieving mothers before me, I began looking for signs I could interpret at clues to my son’s otherworldly existence and his attempts to communicate with me.

Starting shortly after his death, the light in our curio cabinet would go on by itself. I thought at first maybe someone else had turned it on, or that perhaps there was a short in the wiring. Never finding an explanation, I decided to view it as a friendly hello from David.

At various times of the day and night throughout those first two years, the light surprisingly glowed. Its brightness never failed to lift my mood as I imagined his presence in the room with me.

And then it stopped.

I tested the touch-switch and it worked fine. I told myself it didn’t mean anything and to be patient; to quit reading anything into it. Despite my reasonable self-talk, however, an unmistakable loneliness settled over me as more months rolled by.

One night I decided to ask David directly to send me a sign that he was around and okay. The thought went out into the evening silence as love and longing welled up in my heart. Then I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

A week later I received an email offering me free tickets to a Chicago play called The Pianist of Willesden Lane. I read the plot summary:

“Set in Vienna in 1938 and in London during the Blitzkrieg, The Pianist of Willesden Lane tells the true story of Mona Golabek’s mother, noted pianist and author Lisa Jura. A young Jewish pianist, Lisa dreams of a concert debut at the storied Musikverein concert hall. When Lisa is sent on the Kindertransport to London to protect her from the Nazi regime, everything about her life is upended except her love of music and her pursuit of her dream. Golabek performs some of the world’s most beloved piano music in this poignant true story of her mother’s experience in wartime Europe.”

Without knowing how I came to receive this offer, I was drawn to the play’s themes. My own mother, who died in 1991, had been a gifted pianist and played nightly concerts for us in the privacy of our home. She struggled with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks for as long as I can remember. Who knows what she might have accomplished had she been able to overcome her demons? I always felt disconnected from her and strove to be as different a woman as I could be.

As I sat in the darkened theater the night of the performance, however, I began to experience my mother in a new way. She would have been only slightly older than the play’s teenage heroine during WWII, and possessed a similar passion for classical piano. I wondered what it was like for her, as a young American Jewish woman, to learn about Nazi atrocities after the war. I thought about her reunion with her handsome young husband (my father) when he returned from overseas after their two-year separation.

As familiar, evocative melodies swirled through the auditorium and my being, I felt a powerful connection to my mother through the music, and an empathy I never could have imagined. With tear-stained cheeks and a lump in my throat, I finally realized my mother was so much more than the frightened woman who raised me. She was also a talented, passionate artist who bestowed many gifts that I was only then beginning to open.

I’ve thought about this experience a lot since it happened. How did my name come to be on an email distribution list for free tickets? Why this particular play? Why now? I’ll never know. So I take it as an opportunity to believe something healing.

I imagine my beloved David, together with my cherished mother and sister, illuminating my place among the generations. I believe they were presenting me with a most unexpected and ongoing Mother’s Day gift: eternal love that spans time and place, and connects us all.
​
Wishing you a peaceful, meaningful, and love-filled Mother’s Day,
Ruth


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​Today, April 23, is World Book Day! Have you read a good book lately?

I remember when there weren’t many books for grievers or grief helpers. People either didn’t want to talk about death and how it forever changes us, or they were struggling themselves to figure out how to go on.

Thankfully, it’s different today. More authors are writing about their grief experiences, what’s helped them, and what hasn’t. There are so many ideas to ponder and ways of coping to consider that there is sure to be something meaningful for everyone. 

We know that we’ll all experience the loss of a loved one at some point, and it usually happens many times over the course of a lifetime. Where do we turn for validation, a sense of community, encouragement, and care? I turned to my therapist, a support group, and leaned on friends and family -- all of whom were essential in helping me get through those early difficult days, weeks, and months.

But no matter how extensive and compassionate your support network may be, there are still those quiet moments when you’re alone with your grief. It may be in the middle of the night or as the days of missing your person go on and on; sometimes it’s just nice to curl up with a good book. Adding books to the array of available grief resources is absolutely essential.

And now we have so many choices about how to enjoy a book! There’s of course the old fashioned way (and still my favorite) of holding a real book in my hands and turning the pages. It’s also sometimes nice to download an e-book and get the immediate satisfaction and ease of starting to read on my phone, tablet, or computer. And many find audiobooks the most convenient for busy lives, as you can listen in the car or as you’re going about other tasks. There’s also something lovely about the perhaps long forgotten experience of being read to.

So today I’m including a link to an incredibly extensive list of books on the subject of grief. It’s from Journeys Through Grief, which is a website of the Sweeney Alliance.

Click here for Good Grief Books

Please visit the site and check out the list – I think you’ll find it a wonderful resource, whether you’re a griever yourself or supporting others on their way.

Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth


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