RUTH E. FIELD, LCSW PSYCHOTHERAPY 847.977.4741
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Two Easy Ways to Enhance Your Self-Care

7/31/2019

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We always talk about the importance of self care, especially when you're going through a difficult time. It doesn't really matter the exact nature of the problem; unwelcome change means a new (unfortunate) situation has arrived and the old (preferred) situation is gone. This is hard to accept and adapt to, and much of my work with clients centers around these two facets.

Finding or creating meaning in the new situation is also helpful, as you try to bring some kind of order to what may seem like pure chaos. Sometimes this means exploring your religious or spiritual beliefs relating to what happened, and other times this facet helps you identify new strengths that weren't there before or ways in which you've grown in the process.

The 4th facet, Replenishing, is perhaps the most useful throughout your lifetime. And it's especially important in the early days of experiencing loss, while working on accepting and adapting, and as you identify the meaning of your journey in a larger context. This is the time to bring self care front and center.

I teach how to create your own personal replenisher list during sessions with clients and at many speaking engagements. You can access a checklist that walks you through the Personal Replenisher process here.

I also found a lovely graphic that organizes various types of self care into categories, and gives several examples of each. I love this because it helps us all visualize how we might replenish ourselves without reading a lot of text. You can find the Types of Self Care graphic here (from Healing the Sacred).

I hope these two ideas help you jump-start your healing in some simple and enjoyable ways. Let me know how you're doing and also send along any other self-care reminders you've found useful!
​
Wishing you peace and healing,
Ruth



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Do you have catastrovision?

6/7/2019

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I had never heard of this word before – catastrovision – until I viewed a recent video by death and grieving expert David Kessler. It refers to the tendency to jump quickly to worst case scenarios even when there’s no evidence to support such narratives. And I admit I have catastrovision. Yikes!

It makes sense to me when I think about the traumatic losses I’ve experienced throughout my life; I’m living proof that these situations really do happen. This is one of the reasons why I’ve dedicated my professional life to helping others navigate loss and grief.

On the other hand, I’ve apparently also concluded that they can happen at any time! Somehow my brain has converted traumatic loss from being possible to being likely. Or as David frames it, I’m easily able to leave the present and go right back to the past.

It’s good to know I’m not alone in this. David mentions he is also a catastrophizer and that it’s common among health professionals who work in this field. I plan to utilize his tips and I’m passing them along to you with the hope you’ll find them useful as well.

Please take a few minutes to watch the video and let me know what you think. Do you have more tips to add? Have you noticed other aftereffects of loss? This is an important conversation as we all adapt to the unwelcome changes life inevitably brings. 
​
Wishing you peace and healing,
Ruth

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How to Cope with Spring Holidays

4/19/2019

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How are you navigating this spring holiday weekend? With Passover and Easter converging this year, many Jews and Christians are observing meaningful family rituals. Both holidays embrace themes of hope and history, and we greet each other with happy and sweet wishes.

The natural world also seems bursting with renewal, as lawns turns green and tulips start to push through the warming soil. Trees and bushes are ripe with buds about to erupt into full leaf, and more daylight hours encourage extra activities.

While these aspects of spring are certainly encouraging, they may also be challenging to those who are grieving. And as the season continues, we add Mother’s Day and Father’s Day to the list of holiday observances.

Do you have mixed feelings about the season’s special days? Or are you thinking of someone else who might? Here are a few links to articles that may be helpful. The last one is my annual Mother’s Day article.
​
  • The Surprising Truth about Ritual and Grief https://whatsyourgrief.com/surprising-truth-ritual-grief/
  • Grief and Easter: Remembering Loved Ones (can be adapted for Passover) https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-easter/
  • An Empty Chair at the Seder https://www.jcfs.org/blog/empty-chair-seder
  • My Most Unexpected Mother’s Day Gift https://www.griefhelper.com/blog/archives/05-2018

Wishing you peace and healing this spring,
Ruth

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Loneliness in Grief: Missing them; missing the person I used to be.

3/18/2019

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​When you are grieving, of course you miss the person (or people) who died. You miss their ongoing presence in your life and all the ways they were part of your past memories. You also imagine the ways in which they would have been in your future, and you miss that too.

Loneliness is that sense of separation from something or someone important. It’s the sad realization of being without; feeling abandoned, isolated, and alone. This is perhaps most obvious when a spouse or partner dies, but it’s also part of any other loss as well.

The loneliness you feel as a bereaved husband, wife, or partner relates to their role and your history together as a couple. You miss their company, which reminds you of the years of companionship and togetherness you shared. You miss the opportunity to grow old together and face all the joys and sorrows that accompany every lifetime. You miss the way you divided the tasks of life and may wonder how you can now take on what they used to do.

The loneliness you feel as a bereaved parent also relates to past, present, and future. Remembering their earliest times brings the heartbreak of loss and the pangs of separation from your child. And of course, you long to see your child grow up and become all they would have been – and all you have imagined. You miss who they were, who they would have become, and the profound relationship you shared.

There is also loneliness when you are a bereaved sibling. If you have lost your only brother or sister, you may feel isolated in the sense of not having a partner to share holidays or to navigate your parents’ old age. If your sibling group is now missing someone, that sense of being incomplete can last a long time. Both their role in the family and their relationship with you is now gone and you feel that emptiness.

And when we lose a parent or parents, we feel loneliness here too. Of course, it’s different if this happens when you’re young or at a much older age, but the sense of separation from someone vital is real. And if the relationship was a very close one, you may feel like you’ve lost the one person who cared for you the most your whole life.

There is one more type of loneliness that is important to acknowledge – missing the person we used to be before our loved ones died. Questioning “Who am I now?” is natural but the process of answering is difficult.

Our identity does change when we lose someone we love. Whether the death was abrupt or anticipated, this identity shift doesn’t necessarily become apparent at the same time for everyone. And it doesn’t happen on any particular timetable. It’s a process that evolves individually.

You may wonder if you’re still a parent if you’ve lost your only child (yes, you are); you might rail against being classified as a widow, widower, or orphan. Were you more positive, hopeful, and excited pre-grief? Just who is this person who must now experience life so differently and what happened to the “me” I thought I knew?

These are all questions we commonly ponder. They are part of the “Adapting” facet of the grief process, as we try to get used to our new reality. I have wondered if I can ever get the old me back again, and realize I don’t think it works that way. But I can incorporate select aspects of the old me into this present reality if I choose to work on that.

Even though sadness still sometimes covers me like a heavy blanket, I’m learning to reconnect with peace, gratitude, and even joy by practicing strategies that help me grow into the person I want to be. I’m learning to identify and nurture these areas of growth while understanding the sad parts are valid too.
​
If you would like to work on nurturing new areas of growth after experiencing loss, please don’t hesitate to contact me. You don’t have to go through this alone.

Wishing you peace and healing,
Ruth
​
Read The 4 Facets of Grief

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Don't miss this special chance to join me in person!

2/4/2019

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​Is it possible to suffer a shattering loss or struggle with a major life crisis and ultimately bounce back with resilience? 

And further, is it conceivable that such suffering and anguish can eventually lead to positive change? The answer to both questions is a resounding yes.

Please join me Tuesday evening, February 26 (details below) as I teach building resilience and finding growth in the face of grief. Based on my book, The Four Facets of Grief, we will explore how to find acceptance and even joy following a crisis, whether it’s the loss of a loved one, financial or relationship struggles, or any of the myriad ways we are challenged throughout life.

We humans typically feel altered by our life challenges -- we suffer tragedy, endure upheaval, and know that life will never be the same. And yet, trauma of any kind doesn't necessarily lead to a continuing damaged and dysfunctional existence.

I'm committed to the value of resilience learning. I know what it's like to have to accept the unacceptable, and so my calling is to help you through and beyond your distress. You will learn strategies to help you fully inhabit your reality and to move forward.

I hope you never experience a major loss or crisis, but most of us eventually do. Come join this fascinating discussion to help yourself or someone you know.

What? Empowering Resilience Class
When? Tuesday, February 26 at 7 p.m. 
Where? Kenilworth Union Church, Culbertson Room
211 Kenilworth Ave.
Kenilworth, IL 60043
Questions? Email: info@kuc.org (location; parking)


All are welcome to attend this interactive class and you don’t need to read the book to participate!
Wishing you peace and healing,
Ruth

Read The 4 Facets of Grief
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How to Consider Joy When You're in Sorrow

12/21/2018

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Picture
I used to think the sorrow I felt from a loved one’s death was something to recover from. Especially in early grief, it felt pervasive and all-consuming; no way to live the rest of my life. It was sad and heavy and painful; it had to end.

Eventually I realized it’s impossible not to feel sorrow in loss, no matter how many years have passed. Even though the frequency and intensity changes, I continue to miss my family members and their absence from my life will always spark sorrow.

And so the question looms: what happened to joy?

Yin/Yang Theory
​

Like many pairs in the natural world, sorrow and joy have both complementary and opposing characteristics and are not mutually exclusive. Think of day and night, summer and winter, inhales and exhales. Each rolls into the other, and sometimes it’s hard to distinguish where one begins and the other ends.

Sorrow and joy are likewise dual aspects of human emotion; two sides of the same coin, the yin and yang of love. These two aspects interact with one another, thereby creating a dynamic balance. Despite our sense that each replaces the other, joy and sorrow can’t exist independently. They are defined and measured in comparison to each other.

Sorrow and joy also change, grow, and retreat over time; when one surges, the other withdraws. When one aspect is at an extreme, it will eventually transform into some level of its opposing aspect.
​
Night Becomes Day; Day Turns to Night (from “Roll Into Dark” by Noam Katz)

It can be challenging to think of these seemingly contrary forces as complementary, interconnected, and interdependent. But they actually do give rise to one another and relate to each other, thereby balancing the whole of our experience. Neither sorrow nor joy is absolute or unchanging.

So when you are immersed in sorrow, try to remember that it isn’t static and joy hasn’t left completely. Like daytime during the night, it’s on the other side awaiting its cycle. It may not emerge as quickly or as brilliantly as you’d like, but there will be a resumption of joy relating to something in your life.

It’s up to each of us to hold the image of that balance in our hearts.

Wishing you health and peace at the holidays and everyday,
Ruth

PS - I was honored last week to be included as a resource for a Chicago Tribune article on holiday grief. You can read the article here.

​PPS - Read another great article on Guilt and Grief During the Holidays here.
​Read The 4 Facets of Grief
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Griefhelper's Guide to Navigating the Holidays

11/20/2018

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Picture
Photo by Natalia Figueredo on Unsplash
​For many of us, holiday time presents special challenges.With images of joy, fun, and happy families everywhere, it can feel incompatible with any kind of traumatic loss. Perhaps a family member has died, a relationship has ended, or you find yourself in other unimaginably challenging circumstances. Instead of being ready to celebrate, we can feel more like hiding.

​You Are Not Alone

Despite the commercials on TV, not everyone is happily enjoying the holiday season every minute. There are mixed feelings for most people, relating to losses, memories, worries, and realizations.

It’s Not Only Happiness or Sadness

These mixed feelings mean we can hold seemingly opposing feelings at the same time. There’s a part of me that is so sad my son can’t be at our holiday table, and there’s another part of me that delights in the joy of my grandchildren. We can grieve our losses at the same time we’re grateful for our blessings. They coexist without cancelling one another out.

It’s a Day; not the Day

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on celebrating the holidays. You may not be ready to make a decision about how to spend a particular day and pressure to do so may increase your stress. Give yourself a break – it’s okay to modify, postpone, or otherwise revise former traditions. Try something different and then see how it feels; you’ll adjust future plans from there. This is how we adapt to new realities.

Give Back

When life hurts, it’s hard to get out of our own pain. Sometimes the best way to cope at holiday time is to do something meaningful for others. Ideas include serving food at a shelter; visiting nursing home residents; bringing treats to those who have to work (police, firefighters, hospital staff, etc.); donating toys to a children’s hospital. You can probably think of many other possibilities. The important thing is to make a positive difference to someone else, which helps you feel warm inside.

Replenish

Navigating the holiday season requires a certain amount of energy, even in the best of circumstances. Add on layers of stress, grief, or any kind of extra coping needs, and you may end up feeling depleted. Take time to identify what is personally replenishing for you and schedule it into the days ahead. Examples include quiet time with a best friend, taking a bubble bath, working out, getting a massage or facial, hot tea and a good book, or watching an old favorite movie by a cozy fire. The possibilities are endless; you get to choose.

How are you marking this year's holiday season? Please reply below in the comments. However you spend the coming weeks, try to give yourself messages of compassion and acceptance. I’m here if you need additional non-judgmental support.


Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth



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The Top 10 Questions to Ponder through Loss, Tragedy, or Struggle

10/25/2018

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“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.” 
― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

​No one likes unwelcome change. Life may be humming along and then something happens that rocks your world – and not in a good way. A scary health diagnosis, the end of a relationship, job loss, the death of a loved one – these are all times when it feels like the rug was just pulled out from under you.

When you experience adversity, consider the following questions. They can help illuminate meaning in difficult situations.  These thought prompts are not original; they come from various web sites, books, and conversations over many years.

If you keep a journal, you might write your responses there.  Discuss them with your therapist. Or just contemplate whatever comes up when you read each question.   Your thoughts may change and develop over time, so don’t hesitate to occasionally revisit the list.

1. Is there meaning in this loss?
During my most agonizingly bereft moments, I just couldn’t accept that my son was gone in a split second for no apparent reason.  I eventually decided to create meanings that worked for me.  As individuals, we get to choose our own.
             
2. What lessons can be learned from this experience? ​
Whenever something negative happens, I always ask myself what I can learn from it.  Sometimes the answer is obvious and other times I have to make up something.  But it always requires a certain amount of self-reflection that is ultimately beneficial.
 
3. What self-discoveries am I making?
This kind of inquiry can reveal so many things about ourselves: how we tend to function under adverse conditions, how we relate to others, or what effect this is having on mood, thoughts, energy, and behavior.  It’s important to notice the Self.
 
4. What personal qualities have been strengthened?
​Perhaps there’s something in your make-up that has been quietly in the background until now…something that has responded to a call to action of sorts.  Maybe it’s tenacity, appreciation, gentleness, or a host of other possibilities.  Look carefully.
 
5. What strengths can I identify that were not apparent before? Even though I would never choose such a loss, I do recognize now a certain resilience that I never would have thought possible.  It was cultivated through trial and error, but it’s now mine forever.  What new strengths are you noticing?
 
6. What is becoming of the person I used to be?
We all evolve over time, and sometimes life transitions hasten that evolution.  Sometimes we have no choice but to change, and it’s important to honor our past selves before we move on.

 
7. Who am I now?
This is a big question and not always easy to answer.  Take your time.  I had to add “bereaved mother” to my response, and at first it was my only focus.  In time I could broaden my answer to include all my other aspects as well.

 
8. What was important to me before this loss compared to what is important now?
Have certain longings and stressors faded into the background?  Or are there people and things you took for granted that are now at the top of your list?  Think about the difference in what’s important to you now.

 
9. How has this experience impacted my values and/or spiritual beliefs?
Most of us don’t talk about these thoughts very often, but this may be the perfect time to consider them.  Keep an open mind as you reflect on your views.  Again, don’t be surprised if this continues to evolve.

 
10. Do I see the world any differently now?
Life experience certainly can change our outlook so it makes sense to contemplate how recent challenges may have altered our perception.  It may be a subtle shift, a global transformation, or something in between. 

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How to Hold Someone's Pain and Sorrow

9/26/2018

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You’ve just learned a friend’s sister has died. Or that they have a challenging illness. Perhaps they’re going through a devastating divorce.

These are people we know and care about, and our hearts go out to them. We feel badly and want to take away their pain. That’s human nature in the highest sense of the word “human.” It means we’re sympathetic and want to help. When someone has a problem, we want to suggest solutions.

But many well-meaning expressions may not be helpful in practice. Why? Because people don’t need their sorrow taken away – they need help holding it.

This may seem counterintuitive so I’ll say it again:

People don’t need their sorrow taken away; they need help holding it.

When I was in graduate school to become a social worker, I learned the most important and valuable benefit I can provide is a therapeutic holding environment. Beyond any particular model or type of therapy, it is the relationship and safety of the holding environment that brings about growth, healing, and self-understanding.

What if we all could provide a caring holding environment for one another? All of us regular people in regular relationships could support one another through whatever life dishes out. What might that include?

Acknowledging and Validating without Judging or Fixing

  • Ask the person to tell you their story, and really listen. Ask clarifying questions as needed and respect the limits of their desire to talk at any particular time. Different aspects may come out over time.  

  • Repeat back key words and phrases that are central to their experience. “You never saw it coming.” “So many changes.” Include thoughts and feelings they verbalize. It might feel weird to repeat their very words, but it feels validating to the person.  

  • State the obvious. “This is so hard.” “What a total shock!” “You’re exhausted.” It may feel strange to talk this way, but it demonstrates your ability to go there with them.  

  • If someone is grieving, use their loved one’s name. Ask to see pictures. Share any memories, photos, videos, or recordings of their person you might have.  

  • Do not offer any judgments or misguided solutions that start with “at least…” (“…they’re with God now,”  “…you’ll lose weight now,” “…the house is quiet now.”)  

  • Do not offer a timetable for feeling better. (“Now that it’s been a year, you must be so much better.”) Convey hope and simultaneous willingness to stay with someone through their journey.  

  • Sometimes it’s about being rather than doing. Be comfortable with silence. Be comfortable with tears. Don’t rush to fix. Silently holding another person’s pain is meaningful and powerful.  

  • Sometimes it is about doing. Show up. Stay in touch. Take care of everyday tasks like bringing over dinner, offer to go for a walk with them, or walk their dog for them. Offer to drive them someplace they have to go. Think of it as removing obstacles from their life.  

Remember that even after someone appears okay, they still have moments of difficulty. We don’t get over a loved one’s death, a serious chronic illness, or a traumatic divorce. These are all examples of unwelcome change that we learn to live with and weave into the tapestry of our lives.
 
I invite you to help hold the pain and sorrow for anyone you know who may be going through a challenging time. And I thank you.

Wishing you health and peace,
​Ruth



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Why good sleep hygiene matters, especially in grief.

8/24/2018

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Do you have trouble getting a good night’s sleep? Do you toss and turn, reviewing your thoughts, feelings, and memories? Do you wake up in the middle of the night and then lie there, unable to fall back to sleep?

Many people have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep while grieving. Sometimes it’s just an occasional wakeful night, while other times bring about a longer stretch of sleeplessness.

Even years later, certain days may trigger another time of insomnia. My son died on a Sunday evening, and sleep was elusive for a long time on most Sunday nights. Now 7 years later, when I occasionally have a sleepless or restless night, it’s usually on a Sunday.

One of my 4 Facets of Grief is replenishing, which means taking the best possible care of ourselves we can. This is the time to pay extra attention to our wellness needs, and stabilizing the sleep cycle (both getting enough sleep and getting regular sleep) is important.

What is sleep hygiene?

How we manage our sleep cycle is referred to as sleep hygiene and it affects many aspects of our health. There are various ways of improving sleep hygiene, and bereavement is a particularly vital time to pay attention to it.

Health Magazine lists 11 benefits of good sleep hygiene. They include:
  • Improving memory
  • Enhancing quality of life
  • Reducing inflammation
  • Stimulating creativity
  • Increasing athletic skill
  • For students – improving grades
  • Sharpening your attention
  • Maintaining a healthy weight
  • Reducing stress
  • Avoiding car accidents
  • Decreasing depression and anxiety

Now that you know how healthy sleep can help you, what can you do to get rid of those sleepless nights? Here’s an article with ideas to try: https://www.tuck.com/sleep-and-grief/
​

Read the suggestions and let me know in the comments what you’ve tried and how it’s worked. 

Wishing you health and peace,
Ruth



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