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I think we can all agree this has been a most challenging year and we’re all grieving the loss of how life used to be. Although we’re certainly not yet back to normal, I do feel hopeful that positive change is on the way. I hope the dark days of illness and isolation will slowly but surely give way to healing, reconnection, and eventually a sense of renewal.
In the meantime, we are facing Christmas and New Year’s holidays that are likely to be different than any we can remember. As you read this, perhaps you are quarantining in order to visit relatives, or are planning to Zoom with family members instead. Or maybe you’re figuring out how to navigate Holiday 2020 alone. And I know there are many who will be sadly missing cherished loved ones. Whatever your circumstances, I wanted to share a few of my favorite online resources for support during this time. Feel free to sample these options.
Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list!
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I've had a love-hate relationship with summer for a long time. The warm weather makes it pleasant to be outside and I feel much more energetic in the expanded daylight hours. But this season also marks the death anniversaries of three people I love, so it’s difficult to face. Add to that all the uncertainty about Covid-19, and it's easy to feel stuck in sadness and loss.
Three People I Miss Today, July 24th is the anniversary of my son David’s sudden death in an accident. Even after 9 years, there is something surreal in writing this. I miss him profoundly, and wonder what he might have been thinking and doing if he had lived past age 26. I especially wonder how he'd be handling the pandemic. I know July is Bereaved Parents Awareness Month, but for me it’s every month. July 27th is the anniversary of my sister Debbie’s death. She died 20 years ago after a long and valiant battle with cancer. I miss her deeply, even though I wouldn’t want her to suffer one moment longer than she did. I still long for the presence of my childhood partner-in-crime and my closest family connection. August 8th is the anniversary of my father’s death; my Daddy. He died of cancer long ago – when I was only 22. His illness and death shocked me out of adolescence and into the world of grief. And again, I miss him terribly, even after the passage of decades. Choosing A Different Perspective I continue to weave these three lives and deaths into the tapestry of my own story; this is what I call inhabiting reality. The missing and longing never go away, but the tapestry becomes richer and more vibrant as the grief threads become inextricably intertwined with hope, love, and joy. I choose to be grateful for these very special family members, for this is the best way I can think of to honor them. I have learned so much from each of my loved ones and I continue to be inspired by them even after years of separation. The one trait that all three had in common was fun-loving exuberance – a lust for life. Hope, Love, and Joy David taught me the value of fresh starts. No matter how challenging a particular day might have been, he always woke up the next day eager to begin anew. His ready smile and hearty laugh made you want to join the party! He embodied Hope. Debbie taught me how sweetness and strength can come together in one person. She accepted everyone – including herself – exactly as they were, and made you feel celebrated. I never heard her complain about anything, and she was always ready to plan the next get-together. She embodied Love. Daddy taught me to do everything with gusto. He had a passionate work ethic, cared deeply about others, and loved to have fun with friends and family. I remember him inviting nearly the entire floor of my college dorm out for Parents’ Weekend dinner. He embodied Joy. Focusing on Life in the Midst of Grief Each year at this time I ask myself how I might observe these painful anniversaries. The best way I know to honor David, Debbie, and Daddy, and their ongoing inspiration, is to personally exemplify the hope, love, and joy with which they lived. According to my tradition, I will light Yahrzeit candles and attend virtual services, reciting the Kaddish prayer I know so well. And I will dedicate myself to living the rest of my life with hopeful, loving, and joyful exuberance. Thank you, David, Debbie, and Daddy for being such incredible role models! What's Your Take? How do you observe death anniversaries, especially this year? What do you think about as they approach -- what has helped you through these times and what hasn't? Write me an email and let me know! Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list! These are challenging and inspiring times that feel vaguely familiar to me. Fifty-two years ago, the leader of the Civil Rights Movement, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was tragically assassinated. Violence and riots ensued in the streets. There were protests against the Vietnam war. Then Robert F. Kennedy was also shockingly assassinated.
At the Chicago Democratic National Convention that year, students, activists, and other demonstrators clashed violently with Chicago police. And another viral pandemic killed 100,000 Americans. I’m old enough to remember. I also remember the peace and love movement, known as “The Age of Aquarius” from the musical Hair. Young people rejected the values of their elders (including war, racism, and inequality) and embraced a more inclusive society. There are obvious differences between then and now, but the pain of grief and loss, going back hundreds of years, is palpable. More and more (dare I say?) we are grieving together as a country; maybe even as a world. Is it really possible that the grief of a people can be universally validated? I hope so. It is time to listen and learn. It’s time to build on what began half a century ago and comprehend with more empathy. I hope this period of demonstrations, protests, brutality, and illness are ultimately leading toward peace, love, understanding, and healing. I want to learn more about the history and experiences of black, brown, and indigenous people. I'm starting to better understand and recognize white privilege and how I’ve benefited from it. Black lives do matter. No one is saying they’re the only ones that matter, but they absolutely should be understood and honored. We must teach our children better and be role models. Since my personal mandate is to make a positive difference, I’ve been feeling especially inadequate lately. There are so many aspects of life that need to get better; what can one person realistically do by oneself? Read, listen, write, reach out, peacefully demonstrate, donate? The other day I was listening to the daily guided meditation in my Calm app (which I highly recommend), and it included The Starfish Story. I’d heard it before, but this reminder came at an especially meaningful time. I’ll share it here: The Starfish Story: One Step Toward Changing the World Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions. Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?” The young boy paused, looked up, and replied, “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.” The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.” The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!” I don’t know the author’s name, but I certainly got the message. We can each make a positive difference in the world, one moment at a time. Each interaction is an opportunity to spread lovingkindness and compassion at a time when these are so desperately needed. No attempt at understanding is meaningless or trivial. So, what will you do to change the world for the better? Find a starfish and throw it back into the sea. Repeat again and again. Imagine if everyone did. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth PS - Please write back and share your thoughts. Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list! We all rely on basic ideas about life that we’ve learned to count on. We generally know how we fit into our family and social structures, the relationships we’ve grown, and the kind of interactions we participate in. We are used to our daily routines and the meaning we derive from each of our life domains. We recognize how things generally work. These ideas make up what’s called our assumptive world.
Shattered Assumptions The assumptive world concept refers to the assumptions or beliefs that ground, secure, stabilize, and orient people. They are our core beliefs about the world and ourselves based on previous experiences. They give a sense of reality, meaning, or purpose to life. In the face of death and trauma, however, these beliefs are shattered, leaving people disoriented and anxious. In essence, the security of their beliefs has been destroyed. Shattered assumptions can also explain the adjustment we encounter after any type of experience that challenges a person’s belief system or worldview. And most of us are in the midst of trying to adjust to an uncertain and limiting outlook. Life is Different Now Even if you don’t know anyone personally affected by Covid-19, our lives are fundamentally different than they were a short time ago, and we don’t know when or how things might regain some degree of familiarity. All this uncertainty can take a toll on our sense of well-being. Everyone I know is trying to establish some sort of new normal while hoping to return to life as it used to be. With no treatment and no vaccine just yet, we are challenged to create a new kind of life that makes sense and helps us to feel safe and secure once again. Remember Old Assumptions That Are Still Valid and Build New Ones And so, we must learn new ways of acting and being in the world, figuring out how to go on when so much of what we have taken for granted is no longer practical. We work hard at creating a delicate balance between confronting and avoiding distressing thoughts, feelings, and images. This balance doesn’t have to be equal. Remember it’s possible to hold two seemingly contradictory thoughts at the same time, so try breaking up your intake of news with activities that are enjoyable for you. Alternate between focusing on the negative and relishing beauty, nature, music, creativity, or anything that reminds you of the ongoing goodness of the world. Try to find evidence of some benefit in this time. Not that anyone is glad Covid-19 happened, but as long as this is the reality, can you notice some positives? I’ve heard the air is cleaner and certain animals are returning to their habitats. Being in nature or looking at nature scenes reminds us that flowers still bloom, grass and trees still grow new green leaves, and the spring sun feels warmer as we leave winter behind. And many people seem to be reevaluating what’s truly important, as valued workers now include many who used to be taken for granted. While it’s true we’re all aware of our misfortune and vulnerability, perhaps we can also acknowledge that some of our previous assumptions may have been naïve; that bad things do happen to good people sometimes, and no one is invulnerable. The challenge is to recognize the experience of adversity without allowing it to take over our entire assumptive world. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list! It’s hard to believe how much our lives have changed in the past two weeks. Like many of you, I’m staying home and figuring out how to proceed in this "new normal" environment. Thanks to technology, I’m able to see clients either by phone or via teleconferencing (I’m using a HIPAA compliant teletherapy platform). But I missed my grandsons' birthday celebration.
It occurred to me that coping with the loss of our old way of life is similar in many ways to coping with the loss of a loved one – they’re both examples of unwelcome change. Both beg the question “How will I go on?” And both give rise to so many challenging feelings, such as anger, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, and uncertainty. I believe we need to grieve our current losses just as we would any other kind of loss, through accepting, adapting, meaning making, and replenishing. Accepting means acknowledging our reality. I’ve heard so many people say this pandemic is surreal, and I know what they mean! We’ve never lived through anything like this and it seems kind of impossible, yet here it is. Accepting the unacceptable means communicating with others to discuss your thoughts and feelings. It can also mean documenting your experience through writing, photography, or any other creative endeavor. Adapting includes finding ways of navigating our new lifestyles. Perhaps you’re getting more comfortable using technology or are shopping more online. With more people at home, we are all challenged to create workable schedules that provide some sense of order to our days. Are you cooking or baking more? How is your exercise routine adapting? Meaning making is the way we try to make sense of our reality. It can include the use of humor (have you seen some funny Facebook posts?) I’ve also noticed the suggestion that perhaps this is forcing us to slow down and appreciate family and friends like never before. And maybe now we’ll pay more attention to saving the earth’s precious resources. We certainly are appreciating our health care workers, delivery drivers, truckers, farmers, and the restaurant industry more than I can ever remember! Replenishing means good self-care and making sure you’re not depleted. Worry itself can be depleting, so this is the time to take extra good care of yourself. Pay attention to good sleep hygiene, exercise, and nutrition. And use my Personal Replenisher Checklist to find your own antidotes to depletion. Here are a few other free resources I like: Immunity Emergency Kit – from Lee Holden Qigong. The link will take you to a description of the 4 video classes and a sign-up form. Taking Care of Your Mental Health During Coronavirus – from What’s Your Grief. Coronavirus Sanity Guide – from Ten Percent Happier. Stay safe; stay healthy, and stay in touch! Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join my email list! Today’s article addresses the discomfort of stress-related physical problems. After reading this, you’ll have some helpful ideas for coping and calming.
The Problem with Stress I believe stress makes anything more difficult. Things may be humming along, and then – boom! – you’re coping with unplanned extra challenges. And there are so many kinds of stress! There are the relatively minor but frustrating and annoying hassles of everyday life, like flat tires and broken appliances. Even good things can be stressful, like weddings and moving to a new home. But you know there’s another kind of stress: the burden that comes from loss and unwelcome change. We often talk about our thoughts and feelings as we go through the hardest times of life; we discuss how challenging it is to navigate these periods. But since everyone handles stress differently, each person’s experience may be very different. But we don’t often talk about what happens when the body’s fight-flight-freeze response gets activated and leads to physical problems. While the response is there to protect us from harmful situations, like an attacking saber-tooth tiger, it can also be triggered during times of intense anguish, heartbreak, and adversity. Stress vs. Anxiety What’s the difference between stress and anxiety? Stress in a response to an external threat in the environment that is hard to cope with. Anxiety is a reaction to that stress; it includes the worries and fears about the stress. They are very closely related and stress can trigger anxiety, which is why the symptoms and coping strategies are so similar. Common Physical Difficulties that May Relate to Stress:
Again, since everyone experiences stress differently, the physical symptoms may vary as well. They may be vague or may seem like those caused by certain medical conditions. **It’s very important to talk with your doctor if you’re unsure what’s causing your symptoms.** Rule out medical conditions before trying the following tips. 12 Coping Tips
Stress is a depleting experience, so anything you do that replenishes can help you feel better. For my Personal Replenisher Checklist, click here. Now you have specific strategies for dealing with stress, especially when the symptoms are physical. Please comment below If there are additional methods that work for you so others can benefit too. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list! Welcome to 2020! Many people have reached out to request articles on specific topics, and I can’t thank you enough for your thoughtful input. If you haven’t yet gotten in touch with me yet about your idea, it’s never too late! Just reply to this email.
Who This Article is For: grieving partners, those thinking about future loss, supportive friends and family members. Today I’d like to talk about losing a spouse or partner. Whether you use those terms, or boyfriend, girlfriend, or significant other, dealing with the death of your “person” is heartbreaking. Perhaps this has happened to you, a family member, or a friend. Maybe you’re wondering about your own future. Perhaps you’d like to be supportive to someone who is now alone. The Biggest Challenge Certainly not everyone develops the same symptoms after losing a spouse, and of course there are enormous differences in circumstances. How you grieve is related to things like the kind of relationship you had with your loved one, the manner of their death (suddenly and unexpectedly, or after a long illness), and how dependent you were on one another. It’s common to experience intense emotions, like feeling numb or shocked; disoriented and confused. It’s also typical to feel broken-hearted, fearful, and anxious as you think about life going forward. Other universal feelings include guilt, anger, and overwhelm with the enormity of the unwelcome change that has happened. And one of the most challenging aspects of this type of loss is the resulting loneliness. With the death of a spouse or partner comes a total lifestyle shift; almost nothing will be the same as it was before. Every part of the day is different, especially bedtime. And socializing is completely different, as everyone seems to be part of a couple. Often with this one death comes the loss of several important roles: friend, lover, ally, co-parent, confidant, business partner, and travel companion to name a few. Now there are many voids in life that seem impossible to fill, leaving a person unsure how to move forward in life. Loneliness can also lead to being less active, possible risky behavior, or not caring for yourself. Even though we have so much available contact through social media, online social support is often not enough. I wish I had the answers for how to make loneliness go away, but I actually don't think it's possible. We continue to work on accepting, adapting, meaning-making, and replenishing -- yet the loneliness persists in varying degrees and intensities. Coping Strategies in the Meantime Whether you are a bereaved partner or you are thinking of someone who is, here are a few tips that can help to cope with loneliness as it ebbs and flows.
I came across an article recently on the site Grief in Common about what not to do when you’re lonely after loss, and it really resonated with me. Here’s a link if you’d like to check it out: Loneliness: 5 “Don’ts” if You’re Lonely after Loss That’s it for this month; I hope you’re staying warm and cozy, and I’m always …. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth PS – Even though the holidays are over, you may know someone you’d like to give my book The 4 Facets of Grief to. Click the underlined links to buy on Amazon and send to someone you care about. Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join my email list! Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to those who celebrate! While the holiday season is meant to bring joy and happiness to us all, I know it can also include sadness and overwhelm (among other uncomfortable experiences) when you’re coping with loss, grief, or other life challenges.
Even if you’re not the one who is stressed, you probably know someone who is struggling to cope with unwelcome change. It’s nice to know how to help them and what to say to them. Here are a few of my favorite resources that help me feel less alone and more able to manage stress and cope effectively at this time of year. I hope they’re useful for you too. Please let me know if any were especially meaningful to you, and feel free to share them with others. What's Your Grief: 8 Tips for Remaining Present at the Holidays What's Your Grief: Treating Yourself with Kindness at the Holidays David Kessler’s Holiday Grief Video Paul Denniston's 20 Minute Grief Yoga Practice Modern Loss: Tips for Getting Through the Holidays When You're Totally Sad Gary Roe: Making Holiday Decisions with a Broken Heart Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join my email list! Do you have mixed feelings about the holiday season? As we get ready for Thanksgiving, our calendars (and all the stores) tell us the holidays are indeed upon us. Tradition says this is a joyful period full of gratitude, family, hope, and celebration.
But how do you navigate this time of year when part of you doesn’t feel like celebrating? Some of us have lost (or are losing) loved ones; some are getting divorced; some are worried about illness or financial security. And some of us are trying to cope with the sense that life isn't turning out the way we thought it would. You may know you need to work on accepting this new reality, but holiday time adds another layer to the loss. This extra layer includes expectations. We’re “supposed” to be happy and ready to party this time of year! TV commercials and sitcoms show us incredibly happy people enjoying their holidays; workplaces and homes are decorated and music reminds us to be of good cheer. It makes sense to feel disconnected from joy during times of loss. Depending on what’s going on in your life you might feel left out, alone, and unable to join in the revelry; like having an invisible disability that no one truly understands. You are not alone in having these mixed feelings. Here are some strategies for coping and even thriving throughout the holiday season. Try some of these approaches to make holiday time more comfortable:
I hope the upcoming holiday season is meaningful and enjoyable for you. Please comment with additional tips or thoughts about navigating your holidays. Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join my email list! I understand what it’s like to have to accept the unacceptable. As many of my readers know, my son David died in an accident eight years ago and life as I knew it came to an abrupt end. But even before that fateful day, I had experienced many less horrific but still challenging situations.
Some of these involved the illness and death of close family members and friends. Some related to managing a child’s chronic condition and special needs. And there were other kinds of losses that shattered my vision of what I thought life would be like. These are life transitions, as you know something is ending and a new reality is beginning. The fact that the transition is forced upon you in a most unwelcome way means you cannot possibly embrace this change. Yet, here you are in the midst of a profound shift and you can’t quite figure out how to proceed. Here’s what I’ve learned: meaningful transitions are possible no matter how unwelcome they may be! We humans are resilient beings who, with support, can learn to navigate unspeakable difficulty and ultimately build joyful (though different) lives. Looking back at all of my unwelcome transitions, I recognize a consistent practice that has always benefitted me: telling my story. With each challenge, I felt a need to give voice to my experience to help make it real. Since I happen to be a writer, journaling came naturally to me. Example: Telling My Story by Writing I wrote to chronicle what was happening, my observations, and what it meant to me. Sometimes it didn’t matter whether or not these were read; it was the expression that was important. Sometimes I sent my journal entries to select others. Each time I wrote, I felt somehow unburdened. I also felt a sense of accomplishment at having documented my personal experience. Some people use blogs for this purpose and I think it’s a great way to tell your story if you’re comfortable posting in a public space. Example: Telling My Story by Talking I also needed to talk about my journey. I talked to friends, relatives, and my therapist (yes, therapists do have therapists!). It wasn’t incessant talking, but rather the kind of supportive processing that happens when people care about each other. As I told my story, I felt validated in just being listened to. Even though there are some losses no one can understand unless they’ve been through them, I could feel my listeners’ care and compassion. This meant the world to me and was part of my healing. Example: Telling My Story by creating I also at various times created scrapbooks, photo albums, and collages that conveyed certain aspects of a given story. I know others who paint, make jewelry, and write music to communicate their experience. There really is no limit to the creative ways we can express ourselves and they’re all helpful. I find creativity to be satisfying and healing, and I highly recommend it. I hope this brief discussion of story-telling will spark your own ideas for expressing your life journey. Some people start to write, speak, and/or create as soon as they’re aware of an unwelcome transition. Others need time to absorb the shock and find some measure of equilibrium. You’ll know when you’re ready. Do you have other ideas for recording your experience? Let’s keep the conversation going! Wishing you peace and healing, Ruth Read The 4 Facets of Grief Visit my Website Schedule an Appointment Click here to join the email list! |
Essays on Grief ResilienceArchives
December 2020
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